The Firsts Are Over, Here Come the Tests

The first day and week and even month of a child's school year often holds a kind of "shiny new" excitement. But come October, the honeymoon stage often fades. The fun "get to know you" ice breaker activities have been turned in for actual homework assignments. The teacher has assigned seats. There are tests.

And some of those tests may arise outside of the classroom, in conflicts between kids on the playground, in the lunchroom, on the bus or in other less-supervised scenarios. While, as an adult, at least a small degree of conflict is part of regular life, children are often not prepared for interpersonal issues and may not feel equipped to resolve it.

Here are some ideas for helping kids handle conflict:

Keep the volume steady. It's easy for a kid to forget manners when upset. If one child starts shouting, for example, the other will likely feel they need to raise their voice just to be heard. And when everyone is shouting, no one is listening. Help your child practice keeping their voice as low and even as possible. Also be sure they know how important it is to take turns speaking (this is difficult for some adults too!). If they want to resolve a disagreement, keeping things civil is the name of the game!

What's the other person saying? Letting the other person talk might seem like an obvious next step. But with kids especially (and sometimes adults),  it's easy to ignore the details of what another person wants as soon as it seems they want "something different from what I want." A good tactic to teach children is to repeat back what it seems the other person's point of view is: "So you're saying you want to play kickball." Clarifying the other person's point of view isn't agreeing to what they want, but it does make the other person feel heard. Also, if your child is incorrect about what the other person wants, this gives them a chance to get clarity. Some conflicts are just misunderstandings, but cool heads can help clear things up!

Keep it in the now.  If conflicts have happened with the same person over and over again, it is easy to see this new disagreement as a continuation of a larger war. It can be hard to compromise or find a solution if the people involved keep bringing up other disagreements that they're still upset about. Help your child know it's important to "focus on the present" and look for a way to resolve what's happening at the moment. Doing that can help with success at the previous tips listed here and can help with the next one too.

Make goals. Encourage your child to think about what they want the outcome of the conflict to be. Do they want the other person to do something? To stop doing something? Is it possible to do what both people want? Or is the conflict based on differing opinions? It's important to know which conflicts need to be resolved and which ones are OK to disagree on. Figuring out the best way to finish a school project needs a resolution. What sports team is the best does not. Agreeing to disagree on opinions can cut a lot of conflict out of a person's life, so make sure your child can identify those situations.

Photo credit: J.Miller

Originally Published 10/12/2016