Last week, we delved into sensitive parenting territory: helping children learn to deal with conflict when we're not present to help them.
This week, we're taking on what happens when a child encounters a series of conflicts with the same tormentor or group of tormentors.
Bullying.
The word alone strikes fear in the hearts of parents who can't bear to imagine their kid in that stereotypical movie scene where the "mean girls" or "mean boys" gang up on a vulnerable adolescent.
The good news is, media coverage of high-profile bullying incidents has not only increased public awareness about bullying, but it's also prompted more research, which provides more information about how to respond at the first signs of trouble.
Listen and Identify - When your kids come home from their adventures out in the world, it's important to check in with them about their day. One of the things you should be on the lookout for are signs of bullying. Do they mention someone giving them a hard time or ruining something they were trying to do? Beyond just listening to what they say happened, pay attention to how your kid feel about it. If they seem to be annoyed or think the story they're telling is actually funny, then it might just be an example of kids being kids. But if they're upset, sad, or afraid about what might happen the next time they see this person, then it is time to get to the bottom of things.
What a Bully Wants - It doesn't have to be taking someone's milk money to be bullying. In simple terms, a bully is someone who uses real or implied threats to make someone else feel powerless or unsafe. Bullies act out like this for any number of reasons. They might put other kids down to make themselves feel strong and confident. They might come from a living situation where violence and threats are common. Whatever the reason, you need to let your child know that bullies don't have the right to make them feel unsafe.
Tactics - It's important for your child to know all the things they can do to make themselves safe and encourage the bully to knock it off:
-First, they should never put themselves in a situation where it is just them and the bully. No following the bully to see something "real cool". Staying near friends and grownups will help keep your child safe.
-Next, a lot of bullies act the way they do to get a reaction out of others. If they are denied a big show of yelling, crying and hysterics, they have less reason to want to spend the energy bother your child.
-Lastly, (and this may sound counter to the previous point) your kid should be certain to express that they don't like what the bully is doing. Depending on the age range, some kids may not know that their behavior is inappropriate. Even if they are aware, being told calmly and firmly that your child wants them to stop can cause a bully to think about continuing their behavior.
It's not a movie - In popular culture, standing up to a bully involves fighting them. However, using physical violence on a bully doesn't make your child "right" and it doesn't keep the bully from doing something worse next time. All physical violence does is open up the possibility of someone getting hurt, expelled, or arrested. Make sure your child understands that removing themselves from a violent situation is the way to handle it, and to never be the one to start a fight.
When to get others involved - While all of this is important for your child to be aware of, the most important thing for them to know is to always talk with you about bullies. Even if they aren't sure if it warrants telling you, tell them you want to know. You can help them figure out how they can handle the situation. You'll also be the one to decide when to get teachers or the bully's parents involved. And if there has been any physical violence or destruction of property on the part of the bully, the answer to that is: immediately.
It is tempting to want to storm over and take control of a situation that involves a bully. Wanting to protect your child is the major part of being a good parent. But taking a situation where your child feels powerless and teaching them how to take back control is a life skill that will help them for this and future bullies. So get out there and let your kid know that you're in their corner!
Photo Credit: Crystal Galvez
Originally Published 10/19/2016
