(Article contributed by Kristen Howerton. Read more about our writers here.)

What to Do When Kids Don’t Want to Go to Church

I was a pastor’s kid. I grew up in a churchgoing family. But I was not always a churchgoing girl.

It wasn’t constant, but I definitely remember times during my childhood when I didn’t want to go to church. My parents were pretty good at explaining things. This is part of our family culture, they said. Church is one of the most important things we do as a family. We eat meals together, we spend time together, we go to church together.

So I went to church with them. Occasionally I liked it. Other times, I did it out of requirement. And I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. Attending church every Sunday—and occasionally at other times during the week—as a kid instilled me with a churchgoing habit.

Because of this, it’s surreal to find myself as an adult who doesn’t go to church every single Sunday. These days, we may only go to church once or twice a month. This is a departure from the beginning of my adult life, when we went to church every week. A lot of that has to do with the fact that my husband, Mark, spent several years on staff at various churches—it’s been a big part of our marriage, too. Even though my faith has shifted and evolved over the years, my commitment to church has stayed firm, but my ability to find a church that fits our values has not been as easy. And some Sundays, we avoid that fraught feeling and just stay home.

But is it okay to require churchgoing of your kids, like my parents did? Yes, I think so. I’m not sure I would force my child to be part of a youth group if they didn’t like it, or to go to extracurricular activities like youth camp. But regular family attendance at church services seems like a reasonable thing to ask of your kids. When they live in your home, it’s acceptable to make Sunday church attendance one of your family traditions.

Of course, that doesn’t mean they’ll always be receptive of it. So other than putting your foot down and requiring it, what do you do when your child doesn’t want to go?

Tell them your story. Research from the Fuller Youth Institute at Fuller Seminary has shown that young people are more likely to maintain belief in college when their parents talk to them about their own faith journeys. So be honest with your kids. Tell them about the times in your childhood when you didn’t like church...and why. Explain what changed. Talk about why church attendance is so important to you now, and why you want it to be a part of their faith. This has been a part of our journey as well . . . being open and honest with our kids about why we sometimes don’t go, and what issues compelled us to leave our last church.

Ask their opinion. Engage them in a serious conversation about what they like and don’t like about church. If they don’t want to go, ask why...and then listen. Don’t get overly defensive of your church or of the people at your church. Give your child a patient hearing. There might be something in particular they don’t like—a teacher, an element of the worship service, boredom during the sermon—that you can address.

Give them agency. Ask: “What do you think would make you like church better?” See if they have any ideas. Is there something that would help them squirm less during the message? Something that would make it more interesting to them? Kids want to be heard, but they also want to have a voice. If they help come up with a solution to whatever it is they don’t like, they are more likely to pursue it.

If necessary, make changes. Making church decisions based on what’s best for your kids has been controversial lately, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing a church based on how it impacts your children. If your kids don’t like the church you attend, could you change churches? I know that’s a huge decision for some families, but my family has endured a lengthy season of church-hopping as we’ve tried to find one we all enjoy.

As parents, we have a lot more responsibility toward our kids than just taking them to church. It’s one element among many of passing along your faith to them. But it IS an important family tradition, and one they’re more likely to carry into adulthood if it’s a big part of their childhood.

If your family has struggled to find a church or keep your kids interested in church, what suggestions do you have?

Originally Published 5/5/2016