(Contributed by Angela Workman. Read more about all our writers here.)
Lately my mind has been plagued with how unkind our society is to each other. Sometimes it feels like no one knows how to communicate positively anymore. So many headlines reflect how our culture often damages others emotionally, which gets me thinking about how we prep our kids to face this world.
Emotions are a natural and dynamic part of our lives, but they can also limit our ability to communicate positively with each other if we are not in control or them, or worse, if we are not aware of them. As a mother, I am tasked with raising my child to understand his emotions and use that emotional intelligence to empower him in his future relationships with others. Here is a list of three ways we’re working together to become kinder and more self-aware:
Know when there’s frustration and why there’s frustration.
One of the most important ways you can control your emotions and the way you respond to emotions is to recognize what repetitiously makes you mad and why it makes you mad. Every day, after lunch, my son would run into his room to play with the toys in his closet. He would throw open the doors and immediately get angry, running back out of the room crying furiously. I’d ask him what was wrong, but as he is two years old, I got mostly boogers and tears mixed with wild flailing of the arms and manic squeals. We’d walk back into his room together and he would point at a bin that was on the top closet shelf. I’d get it down, and he’d smile through the tears and say, “Tanks, Mamma.” I loved that sweet little thank you, but day-after-day of this same emotional scene playing-out began to get to me.
I realized that I knew what was making him mad, but not problem-solving the why of this issue, thus it continued to play-out over and over and over. Of course my son would be frustrated, he can’t control his world just yet…but I can. I just needed to slow down, pay attention, and realize that my strong-willed son’s inability to be independent and reach that bin of toys on the top shelf was affecting his emotions daily. Frustration is a root cause of greater emotions, like anger or sadness. By eliminating the frustration, I could eliminate the negative emotion.
After some rearranging of my time and some of his closet, I moved the bin to the bottom shelf. The next day, my son threw open the closet doors and began to cry on cue, as was custom…but he instantly stopped when he saw the bin at a level he could reach. He smiled the sweetest of smiles and ran to me, “Tanks!” he whispered in my ear as I got a monster hug. If your child can’t solve the what or the why of their negative emotion, there is an opportunity for you to build trust and be the hero by helping them solve it.
Show principle and conviction in your communication.
Giving praise sincerely and specifically to your child clearly communicates expectations as well as boundaries. When you’re consistent about looking for the good in your child, and then precise with them about what you appreciate, you motivate positive behavior to continue. They’ll feel good about learning from you, and be moved to give you their best. The key is sincerity. If you praise or chastise half-heartedly, or too often without significance, that learning impact falls flat.
Praise invokes pride. Pride is a gateway emotion to grander emotions, like happiness. If you are passionate about your pleasure over a certain behavior you child exudes, that positive emotion (passion) will translate loudly to your child. They enjoy seeing you joyful.
Likewise, applying feedback to improve your child’s behavior can be hard because critiques can cause guilt, and guilt can translate out to quick anger or sadness in your child. The goal is to help your little one understand that everyone makes mistakes. Ensuring you are not shaming your child is important. We have the most impact if we calm the child and ourselves before we provide that discipline or feedback. You can allow them to see your disappointment, but always let them know you are disappointed with their actions and want to help them make better choices. Getting angry or sad about a mistake is a natural part of life. Praising how they handle that mistake, or guiding them toward a more successful outcome if they handle it poorly is an important aspect of modeling Emotional Intelligence.
Problem-solve WITH your child.
Losing control of your anger will almost always lead to negative consequences…and this applies to our kids and as well as ourselves. Anger is like fire, it can be a useful tool, or a horrendously destructive nightmare. If you or your child cannot control feeling angry about a mistake or a moment of discipline, you can help each other take steps to control your responses to that feeling with a moment of “quiet time” together. It’s not easy to do, it requires pausing your very busy day, thinking from your child’s very innocent perspective, and facilitating a discussion with your child. The goal of this “quiet time” is to allow yourself and your child a moment to think together before you act.
Focus on your thoughts and get your emotions under control first. I find myself doing this as my son is screaming on the couch next to me…and it’s hard. To get myself in a better frame of mind, I think about how hard it was for us to conceive this special little rainbow baby, and how his well-being is worth every minute of my busy day – most especially during this difficult moment. I take his hand and hold it gently, stroking his soft baby skin, smiling softly, I begin by apologizing. “I’m sorry you’re frustrated, Luca…Mommy is too…can I have a hug?” Our emotions are a large part of what makes life worth living, and my son’s emotions are valid but also very confusing to him. I’m here to help him navigate those new sensations, I remind myself that, and I continue in a soft voice, “…let’s talk about why you can’t play with Mommy’s hot curling iron….”
Our children will value themselves the way we, their parents, show how much or how little we value them. If we are aware of what triggers our own emotions when these sensitive situations arise, we can help our children successfully navigate theirs. I love this quote by T.D. Jakes, “We have a tendency to want the other person to be a finished product, while we give ourselves the grace to evolve.”
Let’s make the decision to grow our emotions together.
Photo credit: digihanger
Originally Published 9/7/2016